About

I don’t know if this will help. I don’t know who will read this. But I need some way of expressing all that I’ve been through and continue to go through physically, mentally, and emotionally.

I am 25 years old and live in the North very close to Lake Michigan with my parents and my younger sister. My family has been supportive, though they don’t fully understand what I’m going though, except for my dad, who has devoted his retirement to taking me to countless doctors appointments all around the country, tirelessly researching, networking, and never giving up. 

Horseback riding was my life since I was four years old. I loved to travel the world,  exercise and be a “gym rat,” read as many books and novels as I could for fun, better my photography, and be in college working towards my degree and go on towards a Masters in Nutrition. I had to quit college three years ago due to one of my biggest health problems, my eye pain; I don’t know if I’ll ever get a chance to go back and finish or get a job.

I got sick in 2005, and it forever changed my life. While I won’t bore you with the details, I just wanted to give you a quick overview of what I have gone through and and still dealing with: chronic headaches, IBS, Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, insomnia, chronic anemia, trigger points, TMJ, adrenal imbalance, hypothyroidism, hormonal imbalance, endometriosis, debilitating eye pain, severe tachycardia, extreme vertigo, deep depression, and some other injuries to my both knees like a torn patella femoral ligament and a bone bruise.  Now I found out from a recently updated brain MRI that I have benign tumors on my pineal gland.  It just never ends or gets better.

 

I don’t want anyone to suffer the way that I have. If there’s any way I can shed light and give information that my father and I have gathered over the years, please send me a message.

One thought on “About”

  1. Oh, dear. I am so sorry you have to go through living with such pain, physically and mentally. I am 69 years old and understand depression. I have been through years of talk therapy and medications. I would say I have been depressed, or have been aware of it since around 1980. I believe my trigger point was my husband’s mental breakdown at the time. I have come to believe that the depression comes out as a result of emotional trauma. It’s one way we react to events. My life from then on would never be the same or ever be what I had wanted it to be. It is not an angry reaction to “my husband made me depressed”. He is faultless. My mind just didn’t know where to turn and I felt I had few options. I know I was born with the depression gene as my mom lived depressed for many years.
    I can understand how lonely you must feel, enduring your pain. Your dad sounds wonderful for you, being supportive and ready to do anything to help you. Your friends and family that might seem uncaring simply do not understand or are ignorant of the strength of depression or want to deny it has happened to you. People are afraid of mental illness- it has a terrible stigma, and folks just want it to go away. They can’t handle it either, especially when a friend or family member suffers. They don’t know what to say or do, even when they care so much.
    I have felt as you have sometimes, that, it just seems not worth the pain. I have felt suicidal at times. But knowing someone who has actually killed herself- a young, beautiful, intelligent girl, with a lifetime to live, has shown me that it doesn’t solve much. In doing what she did, she destroyed the love and the hope of all who knew her. Yes, she is gone from her agony, but it is not a do-over. It is rather selfish of her, and perhaps she could have had a different life that she had imagined she would endure. She gave up hope for herself ever feeling better. The next day may have been better for her, then the next better, and so on. She must have known happiness at one time in order for her to feel it’s loss.
    For Fibromyalgia, I understand that movement and exercise is best for that. My friend has it, and it has lessened over the years. But everyone is different. As far as your endometriosis is concerned, another friend had it all of her child-bearing years. She missed work and a lot of her life because of it. Her only relief was being pregnant! Since you have expressed no desire to have children, at least at the moment, have you considered freezing some eggs, in case you change your mind later? If you have a hysterectomy, then you still could use a surrogate with your eggs. Perhaps a doctor would be more willing to do the hysterectomy then. But also, with a hysterectomy, you get into all the hormone issues that menopause entails. I had my complete hysterectomy at 52, and, yes, the periods are gone, but I am hot all the time, grow hair on my face, and have gained extra weight. I still have pimples! I did have regular periods all the time I was menstruating, except for the last year or so, but I had ovarian cysts and fibroids along the way. Hormones!!!
    Perhaps you have tried about everything, and forgive me if I suggest a couple of things that might help. Try a meditation group. It is so relaxing, and a different way to sense what your body feels. Or have you tried yoga? I found it fabulous for keeping your body limber and awake for just moving fluidly. Start slow. Both mediation and yoga work with imaging and positive self-thinking. Can’t hurt!
    And one final thought, have you ever tried to eat a macrobiotic diet? There are many books out there and information online to explain macrobiotics, but the times I have stuck to it, and it IS a discipline, I have never felt better. You learn to nourish your body, not just eat. Wonderful stuff, if you can stick to it!
    I love your Instagram account and the horse pictures. I have loved horses since I have been little, never owned one, but had friends who did. I know they give you joy- so if you have one speck of joy in your life (and this proves you do), then you should keep fighting. Fill your heart with what you love and you never will want to leave it. Love and Suffering seem to go together in life. The suffering makes the Love worth it.
    Hugs to you, and I pray you find relief for your physical problems, and of course, relief for your depression. I have taken a host of anti-depressants, and when one “poops out” I go on to the other. It’s what my chemistry needs. My hope is to one day eliminate another pill. But, if it is a lifetime necessity, then so be it.
    Mary P.

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